Ex Gratia: I'm So Sorry I Fell Inlove.

"Desperation kills

But when it's on your sleeve you wear it well

Underneath it all you'll always have this war inside yourself"

"I'm half the world away

I'm letting you go now (go now)

Go Now (go now)"

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This song by Yellowcard has been playing for the past few hours already as I write this new post. This day has been most unproductive for me. Today is one of those days na kung ano-ano nalang talaga pumapasok sa utak ko, mostly problema sa lovelife. BULLSHIT. Ba't kase ganito?

❝I HAVE FALLEN INLOVE WITH A GUY WHO LOVES ANOTHER GUY.❞

There, it has been fuckin' said, ang hirap talaga kasing itago. Kaya lang shit happens talaga. Sa napakaraming taong pwedeng mahulog ang loob ko, doon pa hindi naman ako mahal, hindi interesado sa'kin o kaya naman iba ang gusto at hindi ako. Kaya napapaisip na rin tuloy ako:

At tsaka ba't ba kasi ganito ako? Feeling close sa halos lahat ng kakilala ko, lalong-lalo na sa mga bago kong nakilala sa Ateneo, sa mga SSG peeps. Bakit ba kasi nag-e expect ako ng masyado sa kanila? Bakit? I just can't answer it for myself. Basta ang aram ko, I feel something towards them, towards HIM.'Di ko lang talaga ma-put into words kung ano yung feeling na yun para sa kanya. SHIT. SHIT. and more SHIT. LOVE HURTS.

Just even once, I want to know that feeling.

Gusto kong umiyak. Gustong-gusto ko. Pero siguro hindi ko magawa kasi masyado na akong pagod - pagod magmahal ng mga taong kahit kelan ay 'di ako kayang mahalin pabalik. May mga panahon na tinatanong ko ang sarili ko, ba't di nalang ako naging straight guy, life and things would've been much easier and happier for me. Pero hindi eh, eto ang nararamdaman ko and I want to be open and honest about it. I want someone who can relate to me, talk things with me, comfort me and most of all, LOVE ME. Malakas ang conviction ko na sa Ateneo ko siya mahahanap. Pero SINO? KELAN? :(